Kirstiekins Blogs: depression

Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts

REVIEW || My Heart & Other Black Holes - Jasmine Warga

Thursday

“Depression is like a heaviness that you can’t ever escape. It crushes down on you, making even the smallest things like tying your shoes or chewing on toast seem like a twenty-mile hike uphill. Depression is a part of you; it’s in your bones and your blood.”

This is another one of the books that I had on my 'To-Read' list for longer than it actually took me to read. I bought it back in October with a gift voucher my brother gave me for my birthday and aimed to read it a week or so later, but as always I ended up deciding to read other books instead. I was intrigued by the blurb, books about mental health and suicide have always interested me so I figured this would be a great read.

(I may or may not have used it as a coaster a few times, which is why the cover is a little dirty)

What is it about?
Sixteen-year-old Aysel is Haunted my her father's violent crime. Her mother has a new family and will barely look at her, her friends have distanced themselves, and the other kids at school think she is weird. Aysel is alone. That is until she finds herself on Smooth Passages, a website that helps people find suicide partners; when someone from the next town over requests a partner, she can't help but reply...

My thoughts
I was expecting a lot more from this book, maybe because I had been wanting to read it for a while and had built it up, but it left me feeling incredibly let down. I feel like it's a cop out when anyone says this, but, I honestly think that although it was a great premise, it could have been put together in a better thought out way. There was enough plot to drive the narrative, but the characters came across as being a little two dimensional. In all honesty, I only read it to the end because I wanted to see if they actually went through with it.

It's a YA novel so I didn't expect it to venture too far into the darkness, but I did hope that it was going to go further than what it did. The writing, on the other hand, is electric. Her vivid descriptions of what it is like to live with depression and suicidal ideations, especially from the mind of a young person are powerful, believable and undoubtedly full of raw emotion. There are some great one liners and paragraphs that really resonated with me which makes me believe that the author has a real understanding of depression and suicide.

“Maybe we all have darkness inside of us and some of us are better at dealing with it than others.”

Why should you read it?
It is a real eye opener to teen depression and suicide, especially to those who have never suffered from either of them. It definitely is a good read. It is not a mushy-gushy love story which I particularly loved as love stories irk me with a passion. You should read it if you enjoy books of a similar theme such as It's Kind of a Funny Story, Go Ask Alice, and I'll Give you the Sun.

“And this time, I can feel my hand. I can feel everything. And I want to keep feeling everything. Even the painful, awful, terrible things. Because feeling things is what lets us know that we’re alive.
And I want to be alive.”

Trigger Warning: Depression, Suicide, Death.

If you are struggling please call the Samaritans on 116 123

Have you read this book? Share your thoughts below.

Kirstie xoxo

Twitter || Bloglovin || Instagram || Flickr || Goodreads

Tuesday

I didn't choose to come into this world, but I can choose how I spend my time in it. I have the power to do what I want and be exactly who I want to be. I am the master if my own destiny.

I started to write this post, then I deleted it. I started to write it again, then deleted that one. I then wrote this, this collection of paragraphs combining an abundance of thoughts and feelings, mixed with emotional torment, the importance of why we should never give up on ourselves, and why we should be more inclined to share the positives.

As you are reading this, I think it is already obvious that I didn't delete it, but I thought about it. I even went as far as not posting it, but then I took a moment, in fact, I took several moments, a bath, a Cheesestring, and three episodes of Friends before finally - five days later - deciding to post it.

I was thinking about how when I was fifteen, even though it was only eight years ago, mental health was still a very taboo subject to talk about. The only experience I had ever had been people going into all the gory details on Tumblr, and when I say gory I am using it for lack of a better word, but the images, in-depth posts and depressing quotes were not what I should have been reading. When you are a teenager, your hormones are all over the place, you are trying to figure yourself out, you are trying to figure other people out, and you don't always have the relevant life skills/experience to deal with these things in a rational ways - all of which can be made worse if you are struggling with depression, anxiety, (and/or any other mental difficulties) which can quite often lead to suicidal feelings.

I didn't want to see these negative things, but when so many people are sharing their thoughts and feelings with the rest of the world, thoughts and feelings that you share, it is kind of hard to not look. You can share all these things online, with strangers that understand you and no one knows who you really are, you will forever be nomnomnombutteredtoast.tumblr.com. (not my URL anymore, just FYI) You can release your soul through your fingertips, setting free your most intimate feelings and know that they are no longer tied to you - It's a comfort.

HOWEVER! I'm going to mention fifteen-year-old Kirstie again and say that when she was scrolling through Tumblr for every twenty negative posts, she would have been absolutely lucky to have found one positive post! I'm not saying that positive posts weren't out there, but people were a lot quicker to share the negatives than they were anything else. This brings me to my original point of what made me decided to post this; I wanted to talk about the importance of sharing with others, especially with the younger generations. The once fifteen-year-olds that were posting about their troubles online, that didn't know what their futures looked like are now older, a little bit wiser, and know what it is like to be a scared and not knowing what to do with their emotions.

We were the first generation that had so much internet freedom. We were the first to break away from drawing patterns on paint and fall into chat rooms, We were the first to have broadband, we were the first to experience widespread social media, so it only makes sense that we were the first to complain about our lives on the internet! We had no internet safety when trawling through chat rooms, there was no safeguarding and images were scarcely blocked, it was a free for all. We could not learn from previous generations because they never experienced the internet as we did, but the next generation can learn from us! We were exposed to these dangers, we were the guinea pigs, and although we didn't know it then our experiences have helped to shape what the internet has become.

As veteran members of this widespread community, I think it is vital that we share our experiences with the world. As I said before, fifteen-year-old Kirstie was exposed to a lot of negativity, which in turn affected her mentally and is highly likely to have played a part in who she is today; but as veterans we are aware of this greater knowledge, and whilst it doesn't make us superior it does make us responsible. We should learn from our past selves, we should be more inclined to share the positive side of life and talk about how we got through those tough times in our lives. We should be more vigilant, more self-aware, and more cautious of how the words we write can affect people. We should be sharing that hope is real, and rescue is possible.

I am basing this on our generation helping the younger generation, but it doesn't have to be that way, and it doesn't have to be with the internet either. Anyone can talk to anyone, using any means of communication! It's not about how we communicate, but the importance that we do - the only way we can help ourselves is by helping others, and changing the negative stigmas attached to mental health.

Everyone is entitled to feel how they feel, and no one should be put down for sharing their emotions, but it is important to remember that not everyone knows what it is like to have a mental illness or to feel suicidal. But the more we share, the more others will understand, and the more others understand, (the) more can be done to help those that struggle.

Feeling suicidal doesn't just go away, but speaking out can make a difference.

If you are feeling suicidal, or know anyone that is and want to talk, please call the samaritans 24/7 on 0845 790 9090

Kirstie xoxo

Twitter || Bloglovin || Instagram || Flickr || Goodreads

Thursday

"I was feeling the lack of feeling," It's what I have been saying to myself all day. I don't know how to describe it; I guess it's just one of those things that you can't understand unless you've been there yourself. Anyway, I wrote this last night, and I want to share it with you.

Concerts used to heal my soul, but tonight as I stand here, listening to one of my favourite bands, I feel anything but. There was a part of me, that absorbed the bass, the lyrics, the atmosphere, and for a brief moment in time, it fixed everything. In those few hours, where I was singing my heart out, being drenched in other peoples sweat, I was okay, I was whole. And it felt fucking good.

Tonight (and most of the other concerts I've been to in the past two/three years) was different. I didn't feel any of that, I didn't feel anything. I don't feel anything. I don't feel. And I don't know how to change that. Is it even possible to change that? You can fix a broken vase, but no matter how much work and effort you put into restoring it, if you look hard enough, the cracks are still there, and I guess that is the same with people, and the more you try and fix something with the same tools, it eventually stops working. Super glue, isn't always super.

Kirstie xoxo

Twitter || Bloglovin || Instagram || Flickr

Wednesday

I found as many Suicide Helplines as I could, if you live in any of these countries and you, or someone you know is struggling with suicide/depression, then please call one of these numbers, alternatively if you cannot find your countries hotline, please leave me a message, Email, or DM me on twitter (@IamKirstieKins) and I will do whatever I can to help you, or help you find the phone number!

You are not alone!